Oh silly expectations. How they play with my emotions again and again. Having read one too many adoption blogs, I had a certain expectation of how exactly your much-anticipated referral day goes down. According to my scientific research, it should proceed as follows:
1) Get a call from your adoption agency just when you were least expecting it.
2) The rest of the world stops while you and your hubby gather around the phone/computer to hear the information about your future child.
3) Start jumping up and down and hootin' and hollerin' with joy: you're going to be parents!!!
Sounds pretty great to me! Sign me up! Only this is not exactly what my experience was. If you already read this post on how we arrived at our referral point, you will know that it's not a traditional referral situation. So when I got the call from our agency (which I WAS expecting since I contacted them first...already broke procedure #1), Dean wasn't home. And there was no way I was going to be able to wait all day to look at the information with him, so I just dug in all by myself (oops, there goes #2). Then I waited for procedure #3 to commence. But instead, I read every word of the referral and ended in a puddle of tears and a broken heart. Wait a minute! This can't be right! This is not how I'm suppose to feel! Why am I not taking a selfie pic of me looking overjoyed next to my computer screen right now??
I know our situation is different than many, and an older child comes with more of a history than a baby. I just never expected that to shake me and break me like it did. I cried over our daughter's past and her future. I cried over her hurts, because now they are my hurts too. I cried over her birth family, not even able to imagine their pain. I cried over her picture, her perfect little innocent face. I cried over the broken world that we live in. I cried knowing that adoption is born out of loss and seeing it right before my eyes. I cried because I wish she could live in a perfect world where adoption isn't necessary. I cried because I love her already.
And then I fell on my face before my God, crying out to Him. He listened and spoke, giving me peace and joy. What a privilege to be a part of the life of this precious little lady. I am so humbled, so blessed. And also, so excited.
As for Dean, the experience in his own words was "love at first sight". Enough said. (-:
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